The Death of a Human Soul: Part II

[TheAntipop]

Hi all,

I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable in the
entire human experience: being erased entirely as a human being, while
only the smallest part of you remains to deal with the aftermath. I
believe SSRIs and benzos are responsible for this destruction.

FYI, DP and DR are short for depersonalization and derealization - two
dissociative disorders that I had been suffering from greatly before
this recent experience.


Posted: Tue Feb 08, 2005 12:29 am Post subject: this is it - the
end of me.

Well, I didn't think it was possible to regress any further from the
point I was at when I posted the initial message, but I was wrong.
Thank you for the replies and support everyone, but unfortunately,
something I'm not sure anyone here can truly comprehend has happened
to me that I don't wish upon anyone: "I" have truly ceased to exist.

Yes, that's right. In the gradual process of taking these drugs and
losing more and more of myself, I noticed a moment at which there was
no more of "me" left to lose. My inner self and sense of being "me"
completely vanished. A consciousness remains, but I'm not sure who or
what it belongs to. This body walking the earth is no longer who I
used to know as me. My spirit has literally left me in a very real
way, and I'm afraid there's nothing I can do about it. Or I would be,
if I could feel afraid.

All of the emotions and feelings that used to make up my psyche have
been completely destroyed at the deepest level imaginable. This I do
not exaggerate one iota. Within this mind there now exists absolutely
no trace of emotion or feeling toward any person, place, or object -
even ones that used to mean so much. The fact that they used to have
any meaning has been killed off as well, leaving me even unable to
long for the
past.

The fact that my emotions are completely gone is not even the whole
issue here. Of course, I have experienced flat emotions and even no
emotions in the past (especially with DP/DR), but what I am now
experiencing is something completely different. My state of being has
literally changed from existing as a person to simply a consciousness
without a sense of a personal "self". The person I used to call me has
literally ceased to exist. I cannot stress enough that I am being
literal here and not metaphorical. I'm sure some of you will read that
and think, "well, it may be how you feel, but that can't literally be
true". I can assure you, it is. I have gone over it it my mind again
and again, and come to the same conclusion. I have been erased as a
being.

You would think that this would be a frightening proposition, but I
literally cannot feel anything towards the situation. I've been in
this state for at least a week, but now time is completely
meaningless. All that exists is the moment, and all I've been doing
for the past two weeks is vegetating in a bed. Oddly, reading that
back is completely meaningless - it has no resonance with me, because
I am truly no longer here to care.

Unfortunately, this body is now completely unable to feel tired or to
sleep, so there is only a constant awareness that will not go away.
Before, I was able to dream vividly and unconsciously, now I get
barely perceptible flashes of moving images for a few seconds at a
time, but the consciousness is still awake. This awareness only
exists, it does not feel or judge anything. The mind now has
absolutely no capacity to feel interest, contentment, joy, sadness, or
any other emotion. A whole person has thoughts and feelings constantly
flitting through his head, analyzing people and events. My mind, on
the other hand, is completely flatlined. Cognitive ability is also
virtually nonexistant. I am amazed I am even able to formulate this
message.

The minutes tick by like eternities. As the days pass, I have been
simply watching the time pass in this new form I have become: a wisp
of nothingness trapped within a human body. I am truly in my own world
now. My old world has ceased to exist, yet life still goes on outside
as usual. People are living their lives, existing in the natural state
everyone was meant to be in. I have somehow slipped into a form of
hell that I would not have imagined in my wildest dreams was even
possible. But I know it is, because I am experiencing it first hand.

It is absolutely impossible to convey the level of hell that this
state is, and my cognitive ability has been absolutely destroyed, but
I will try. I now spend most of the day walking around the house with
unbelievably vacant eyes asking myself "how did this happen?", looking
into a mirror, and begging God to deliver me from this nightmare.

Recently, within the last couple of days, a new, horrific phenomenon
has arisen. Every single part of my body is now pervaded by a numbness
that is not physical, but spiritual. As an example, when you are lying
down in bed, your whole being, your sense of "you"ness has the feeling
of lying down. Likewise, if you sit up suddenly, you can feel yourself
rising up off of the bed. If you cross your legs or fold your arms,
aside from the physical feelings you get when you perform these
actions, there is an unspoken feeling you get within your own being of
movement and comfort that is completely and utterly absent in me now.
This is what I term "spiritual numbness".

My limbs are like deadweights - not physically numb but now devoid of
all that was me. Now, standing up feels exactly the same as lying down
or sitting - like nothingness. Walking now requires such an effort and
feels so strange that I usually opt not to. The trunk of my body is a
burnt out husk of complete and utter nothingness to the point where it
feels like the consciousness (not me, he is gone forever) is simply
floating in midair. If I try to spin around rapidly in an attempt to
feel dizzy, the room simply spins, but there is no perception of
getting any sort of feeling of dizziness inside or becoming
disoriented.

My other senses are dulled as well, especially smell. When I'm looking
at something, it doesn't feel like I am actually seeing it, but
instead the person in the body is. Since my inner self no longer
exists, I've got no sense of feedback about the input that the senses
receive, so it feels like I'm not actually seeing it, hearing it, or
looking at it. My sense of hearing now has the quality of rendering
sound completely meaningless. Somehow, I am perceiving the sounds, but
I am not truly hearing them like I used to. The tinnitus in my left
ear has also gotten louder, giving me a constant sense of utter quiet
and nothingness, even in a loud room.
Trying to listen to music is an amazingly disheartening experience (if
I could feel disheartened). It has turned into simply noise - the
sound of instruments with all of the emotions and that used to be
associated with
it completely sucked dry.

The sensation of eating is very strange now as well. Like every other
part of the body, the tongue is pervaded by the spiritual numbness I
mentioned , and the act of eating feels awkward, like the tongue is
heavy and numbed. I can taste food, but the emotional connection is
gone so it is impossible to enjoy it. I am no longer able to feel
satisfied when I eat or drink. Going to the bathroom is an adventure
too. I have lost all contact with my body, I'm sure you can figure it
out.

So here I am, (or what's left of me), trapped in a severed
consciousness that used to be a person, only able to observe the world
in the most detached way possible, not able to feel myself or have any
sort of relation to past experiences or accomplishments. This may
sound very uncaring, but I would trade places with a cancer patient,
and I would trade places with a quadrapalegic right now, because then
I would at least be alive.

The question remains: how did this happen? I'm almost positive that
some of the medications I have taken recently have played a role in
getting me in this state (Effexor, Ativan, and recently Clomipramine).
Before any of the meds, I was feeling very DP'd up and oblivionized
inside, but that's a far cry my current state of being completely
erased from existence. When you feel a pressure and a weird fizzing
sensation in your brain after taking these meds, chances are that they
are affecting your brain in a major way. Anyway, it's too late to be
regretful now. Thankfully, I can't even feel that.

If I'm honest with myself, there's only one real way out of this, and
I'll leave it to the imagination (let's just say I've been thinking
about it every five minutes for the past two weeks). Short of that,
I'm going to end up locked away in an institution, babbling to myself
inchorently. I don't think that's very dignified. As it is, right now
I can't interact socially. I can only stare straight ahead with
COMPLETELY dead eyes. If you saw them, you may understand.
Unfortunately, this is all too real, and not the ravings of a deluded
mind. I can only _wish_ I was just psychotic, but no, this is reality.

I had no idea a human life could end with the person remaining fully
awake and conscious (apparently at least), but now I know, it is
indeed possible. Oddly enough, there is an account on the web of
someone else experiencing something very similar. You may have read
this, an excerpt from Suzanne Segal's "Collision with the Infinite".
The part which is similar to me is where she accounts the loss of her
inner self entirely:

http://www.realization.org/page/doc0/doc0095.htm

The state I am in now is also somewhat similar to the Buddhist view of
"No-Self" or Sunyata. However, they meditate for years to achieve this
state and call it Enlightenment, I call it complete and total hell. I
wonder if it's possible that I slipped into by accidental means?

As you can see, this has gone beyond a "mental health" issue and into
a metaphysical or spiritual issue. If I believed in a spirit a part
from the brain (I don't, but don't rule it out), I would say mine has
completely left me, if that were possible. I was thinking of seeing a
preist or a shaman or someone with spiritual knowledge, but my
communication level is so poor right now that I'm not sure I'd be able
to do it.

To anyone reading this, in your opinion, could a handful of SSRI pills
(taken as prescribed over the course of several days) have damaged my
brain to this level where my sense of self and emotional life has been
completely destroyed, and cognitive functioning severely reduced? I
was told again and again by pdocs that SSRIs take weeks to build up in
the brain and that there's no way a few could damage you. Judging by
the weird feelings I've had in my head on these meds, they were wrong.

Anyway, I'm going to have an EEG and maybe a CAT scan. I doubt it will
show anything abnormal. I'm almost positive a PET scan would show huge
spots of inactivity or cell death in the temporal lobes, but my pdoc
said she could not order one since they are more used in experimental
studies.

In any event, I don't see a way out of this anytime soon, so I will
have to make a decision soon. It will be the most casual decision of
its kind ever made, because the emotion is not even there to care
about my own life. That's because it's not my life anymore. I'm not
sure anyone would understand, but it not only feels like I'm already
dead, but completely erased from existence at a cosmic level. What's
left here is but a wisp of nothingness... I'm amazed that it can even
type, much less think. I guess it's on autopilot. The question is, who
is the pilot? Because surely I am not. Most of me is truly at one with
infinity now, the next step is not far from here at all, it's just a
question of how and when.

Believe me, if you had a choice between the worst DP/DR feelings in
your life, and being in this state, you'd pray for the former. I would
too, but unfortunately, it's too late for me. I don't believe there's
any way to unring this bell. Good night, all.

Matt

[metta]

Post by TheAntipop
To anyone reading this, in your opinion, could a handful of SSRI pills
(taken as prescribed over the course of several days) have damaged my
brain to this level where my sense of self and emotional life has been
completely destroyed, and cognitive functioning severely reduced? I
was told again and again by pdocs that SSRIs take weeks to build up in
the brain and that there's no way a few could damage you. Judging by
the weird feelings I've had in my head on these meds, they were wrong.

no, i don't think a handful of SSRIs could cause this, though it sounds like
you've already made up your mind that they have. if that's true, you might
want to lay off the St. John's wort, as it behaves a hell of a lot like an
SSRI.

weird how the anti-med contingent things pharmaceuticals ruined their lives,
but somehow herbs have no side effects.

oh, and BTW, for someone so unable to care about anything, you write a great
rant!

-kelly

[Dave]

Hi,
Much of what you write, is familiair to the lowest point I got to in my
years of depression. The horror of what you describe is unimaginable to
people who have not suffered deep depression. The answer for me was
Celexa which ever so slowly brought me back. I had to increase the dose
slowly to 40mg am and 20mg evening over many months for it to start to
lift the depression, when you begin to regain your sense of taste, the
simple enjoyment of sun on your face and the smell of the garden it is
unbelievably wonderful. For me the key was patience and a high dose, I
also hope you have people who can help you with preparing food and
tidying, just walking around the block was a huge victory but let the
medication help you - it was the only way for me.

Dave

[Triv]

been there, done that. Some friendly advice if you care to take it is get
off the medication. In my own experience it caused me to self harm just to
be able to feel something other than anguish. Been clear of my own
medication for over a month now and although I am depreesed still I can at
least react to life, my body seems to be mine again and the anxiety is less
pronounced than before. Life is crap and the only way to deal with it is to
realise that fact and accept it, then and only then can you move onto
fleeting moments of happiness. Stay with it I'm sure you've heard it before
but life can be worth living.

[Christina Peterson]

Sometimes I lack sympathy. Yup, sometimes life is crap. When it is, and a
person feels bad about it, that person might very well feel unhappy, rather
than having the mental illness of Depression. Overcoming feeling "blue" and
living life with a degree of appreciation inspite of bad things happening,
is good mental health.

I'm not saying unhappiness and Depression are mutually exclusive, or that
you (any "you") are not clinically Depressed. Accepting that life isn't
easy is simply a necessary part of getting older and wiser and coming to
terms with life.

Of course, this life skill is even more important for those of us with
clinical Depression. And it works.

Tina

............although I am depreesed still I can at
least react to life, my body seems to be mine again and the anxiety is less
pronounced than before. Life is crap and the only way to deal with it is to
realise that fact and accept it, then and only then can you move onto
fleeting moments of happiness.

[Dave]

I just read your Part 1and saw you had a bad experience on Effexor. I
was prescribed it but asked to be put on Celexa as I had read it was
better tolerated. I definitely remember being so sleepy and spaced out
especially during the first few days plus definitely affected my
libido(gradually improved over months). It is bloody scary trying a new
med when you are already so weakened by depression.For me the 'hell' of
being unable to function properly in the end forced me to take this
step after years of trying loads of alternative methods.

I don't agree with the poster who saw something selfcontradictory about
not being able to care about anything and being able to analyse and
write about your condition. In my case, when I had so little will/
mental strength/capacity to feel any pleasure, I automatically tried to
analyse what the hell was happening to me. It required less will than
anything else.

I am not religious either but in my desperation I went to a spiritual
healer. A extremely educated elderly lady who was very refined and
would conduct her healing by standing close while I was sitting in a
chair and placing her hands over me.In short, often she was able to
give me a feeling that a was being supported by an enveloping energy
field. This often gave me such relief from the lethargy and heaviness
associated with major depression. On its own it was not enough for me
but it was an extremely helpful as an adjunct to medication.

You can be well again.

Warmest wishes,

Dave

[Christina Peterson]

I've been told I "intellectualize". But for me, too, it's rather easily
done. And also I find that if I can "walk all the way around" a problem,
see it from many views, I can internalize the information much more
effectively.

Your experience with a "spiritual healer" is interesting to me. By any
chance was she a Reiki practitioner? My husband and I are both Reiki
practitioners and have seen it be effective. A while back, I took a look at
my belief in healing and the fact that I still have debilitating Depression.
At first it bothered me. But when treating someone with cancer, eg, I don't
expect the cancer to be CURED. I anticipate that the Reiki energy will help
with side effects of chemo- or other therapy, and that with terminal
patience it will help the mind heal in preparation of what's coming up.

Sometimes energy work does more than that. But, in my experience, the
healing that is most consistent, and possibly also most important, is
spiritual healing.

Tina

Post by Dave
I just read your Part 1and saw you had a bad experience on Effexor. I
was prescribed it but asked to be put on Celexa as I had read it was
better tolerated. I definitely remember being so sleepy and spaced out
especially during the first few days plus definitely affected my
libido(gradually improved over months). It is bloody scary trying a new
med when you are already so weakened by depression.For me the 'hell' of
being unable to function properly in the end forced me to take this
step after years of trying loads of alternative methods.
I don't agree with the poster who saw something selfcontradictory about
not being able to care about anything and being able to analyse and
write about your condition. In my case, when I had so little will/
mental strength/capacity to feel any pleasure, I automatically tried to
analyse what the hell was happening to me. It required less will than
anything else.
I am not religious either but in my desperation I went to a spiritual
healer. A extremely educated elderly lady who was very refined and
would conduct her healing by standing close while I was sitting in a
chair and placing her hands over me.In short, often she was able to
give me a feeling that a was being supported by an enveloping energy
field. This often gave me such relief from the lethargy and heaviness
associated with major depression. On its own it was not enough for me
but it was an extremely helpful as an adjunct to medication.
You can be well again.
Warmest wishes,
Dave

[Contrarian]

Post by TheAntipop
I posted the below messages seven days apart on the Depersonalization
Community board at http://www.dpselfhelp.com/forum/. It details my
descent into what I consider to be the worst hell imaginable
not exaggerate one iota. Within this mind there now exists absolutely
no trace of emotion or feeling toward any person, place, or object -
even ones that used to mean so much....

Hello again, Matt, thought your post deserved a reply all its own.
Other ppl have reported complete lack of emotions on SSRIs (that
wasn't quite my problem)

Now, how to convince your pdoc that you are way overdue for a
change? Some so-called "side effects" are taken more seriously
than others. Any suggestions?